Net round-up

Net | roomybonce | May 3, 2009 at 11:17 pm

It’s that time again. To paraphrase Fairground Attraction, it’s time to take a twirl between the diamond stars in the great sky of ink that we call the ‘www’. Or, alternatively, it’s time to regurgitate various vids already familiar to the twitterati following Graham Linehan and Peter Serafinowicz. Regardless, I hope these clips bring you as much joy as they’ve brought me.

First up, two gentleman the likes of whom we may never see again. I’m sure similar ‘entertainments’ take place on cruise ships and in cabarets from Vegas to Paris, but they are all just sallow shadows of this brilliant performance from two long gone masters of the art. Ladies & Gentleman, Danny Kaye and Louis Armstrong:

This just gives me a glow. To see two stellar performers in a league of their own going toe-to-toe. Do you ever see that these days? Is there anyone out there with that degree of sheer talent? John Barrowman and Ruthie Henshall? Tchoh! Or any other West End/Broadway stars for that matter? Tsk! How about TV? Anyone else at their level or anywhere near it? Nope. Nobody. Nadie. Niemand. With the exception of William Shatner.

Shatner has been a star for almost half a century, and he’s done it all, from Shakespeare to Sci-Fi, from Lennon to Cocker, from Hamlet to Hooker, as actor, writer, director, ‘vocal interpreter’ and pop culture icon, he is The Shat, and he’s got his own YouTube channel at

There are glimpses backstage at chatshows, tributes to his favourite car, and various interviews revealing, among other things, that a Kirk deathmask made for a Star Trek episode actually became the face of Michael Myers in the Halloween movies. The whole project portrays Shatner as a funny, graceful human being who’s often unafraid of being brutally blunt. Obviously, at this late stage in his life, The Shat doesn’t give a shit. Particularly when it comes to George ‘Sulu’ Takei, who he brands ‘psychotic’ for not inviting him to his wedding.

I recommend browsing The Shatner Project for more Takei-slating vids, as well as various interviews in which Bill can’t quite disguise a certain bitterness over his lack of involvement in the new Star Trek flick. What you won’t find, though, is this great 80’s ad for the first home computer I ever owned, the Commodore Vic-20 (sob)

Aaaaah Gorf, you were truly rubbish. But really, Shatner’s ’project’ is just another twist on what every other celeb’s doing with Twitter; cutting out the PR middleman by talking directly to the public through new media. It’s an evolution that will end print journalism’s tenure as the gatekeeper to the celeb universe and I, for one, can’t wait (for more see my earlier post ‘How Twitter Killed the 3am Girls’)   

The next clip is a trailer for an actual movie that was somehow made by professionals and released by imbeciles. From the creative powerhouse behind ‘Freeway 2: Confessions of a Trick Baby’ and TV Movie classic ’After Diff’rent Strokes: When the Laughter Stopped’ comes ‘Tiptoes’, a touching drama about how it’s not necessarily a living hell to marry into a family of midgets, starring Gary Oldman in ‘the role of a lifetime’ as a dwarf.

Matthew McConaughey (who else?) plays the only hunk in the aforementioned brood of ‘Little People’ and Kate Beckinsale plays his bride-to-be who throws a grand mal when she discovers the hideous truth. Worse still, if every member of Matt’s family is a tent peg, what are the chances of her pregnancy producing a pocket person? Thank God that ‘when the going gets tough, it’s only the size of your heart that matters.’ But I’ll spoilt it for you no longer. Behold, ‘TipToes’:

This was, unbelievably, shortlisted for consideration at the Sundance Film Festival. Fortunately, as IMDb says:

There were times when the Sundance crowd laughed out loud at some of the directing and editing but, at the Sundance premiere, writer-director Matthew Bright scathingly denounced the film. He didn’t watch the movie and said he never will. (`It’s like making love to your ex-wife.’) Bright apparently got into an argument with the financier of the film over creative differences. I think what I heard is that Bright wanted to close with a love scene between Oldman (playing a dwarf) and Kate Beckinsale. I guess the money-guy just didn’t think the American public was ready for this. Anyway, according to Bright, he was fired from the movie and a bunch of inexperienced hacks who know nothing about the movie business finished the film. Bright said neither he nor none of the artists were paid a dime and that they didn’t support the movie. Maybe this explains why this was such a disappointing film. 

It was Oldman, apparently, who drove the project into production, such was his desire to play a dwarf, or perhaps such was his desire to bag an Oscar with this top-drawer Rain Man role. What next? Gary Oldman is Susan Boyle?

Now finally, a quickie. This expert recut of the Magnum P.I. title sequence, adapted for fans of Father Ted, brought a tear to me eye with its frame perfect magnificence:


and so Adieu, mon ami, till next time.

Tags: danny kaye, dwarves, father ted, gary oldman, louis armstrong
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1 Comment

  1. Head Chef says:

    It’s hard to type with my jaw hanging slackly over my keyboard after watching the Tip-Toes trailer. Nice to see so many little people getting some work after George Lucas went all CGI though.

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