Bit predictable this one, let’s face it, but who doesn’t hate these two weasels? Who with a functioning spinal cord doesn’t believe that there are hundreds of thousands of vocalists in this country more talented than these pubescent mercenaries? Who could possibly deny that Louis is out of his mind to make them one of the 12 best amateur acts in the country? No-one. Everyone thinks your delusion is without parallel Louis, and why? Just watch their auditions again, if you can stand to:

So. Can’t sing. Can’t dance. No timing. No chemistry. And their ill-mannered shits. “I think people will like them” says Louis. No, they won’t. They will be despised for the exact reason Simon despises them, because they denied someone infinitely more talented their moment in the spotlight, someone who will now languish in some soul shrinking job watching their dreams flatline while these two no-marks snicker their way onto national TV, their truly monstrous – nay borderline sociopathic – egos blazing a hole through our disbelieving brains even as we wield the telephonic sword of death above their heads.

“I want to go out with Britney Spears”, says one. “Everyone will have big hair because John & Edward have big hair” says another. Have you not heard yourselves? Can you not recognise your complete absence of talent? Must we see you ritually humiliated on primetime ITV1? Yes, we must. It’ll be the least you deserve and you’ll have Louis Walsh to thank for it.

But now it transpires that Louis thinks none of his acts have a chance anyway. “I’ll get into the final, but I won’t win,” he moaned this week, “Simon always gets the best ones. They’ve all been round the block a fair bit. They’ve all got more experience than mine.”

What a mentor. I can’t wait to watch Walsh and his brace of bastards thrashing in shamefaced torment this Saturday. I’ll be at work, but I’ll be watching. And recording. And reviewing. Over and Over.

John & Edward. See you in Budgens.

+++UPDATE: 13.10.09: The twins survived the first live show because, unbelievably, there was a band who dared to be even less entertaining. Yes, Kandy Rain took the bullet with their bloody-minded plough through Robert Palmer’s ’Addicted to Love’. True, their vocals were – only just – better than the Twins’, but the obvious song choice and even less imaginative wardrobe condemned them all too easily. As Cheryl pointed out, if they wanted to prove that they were more than a tepid pot of ex-strippers than they should have covered a touch more flesh and sung anything other than a plea for fornication. Blame Louis – again – for that one. So bye bye girls, and here’s hoping the boys get theirs next week.+++

+++UPDATE: 17.10.09: Tonight was Diva night and the twins’ hatchet job on Britney Spears’ ‘Oops I Did It Again’ was perhaps the single most appalling song & dance performance I’ve ever seen on British television – it would have been laughed out of the room at the first audition stage of any of the previous seasons, which basically sums up this year’s X-Factor. Mediocrity abounds this time round, with Stacey the only vocal stand-out and Lucie a middle-distant second. The rest make me pine for cheeky dead-eyed runt Eoghan Quigg, which is the ultimate indictment of the whole sorry enterprise, as is the fact that tomorrow the twins will survive simply because they were more entertaining than the dog-deafening ’harmonies’ of Ms. Frank, who, I’m afraid, can only be saved by a sympathy vote for poor grieving Louis.

Meanwhile, production legend Clive Davis sat in the audience self-injecting botox to stop a ‘WTF??’ look exploding across his face while Whitney rightfully lemon-sucked her way through the ‘mentoring’ sessions like a condemned crack whore granted one last chance: hand hold these losers or die. Was I the only one who detected a flicker of indecision in her glazed eyes? It’s time Simon faced facts: there are only so many Lewises & Buerks out there, and when you’re reduced to hyping some previous season’s reject it’s time to give your show a rest.+++ 

+++UPDATE: 25.10.09: This is horrendous. I’m beginning to develop a growing admiration for John & Edward’s seemingly indestructable performances. Last night was Big Band night and the twins’ hollar through Ricky Martin’s ‘She Bangs’ had fewer vocal pleasures than a sizzling alley of napalmed cats, but, once again, it was more entertaining than Lloyd, Joe, and Olly combined. Ms. Frank and Danyl faced the judges because the girls are still two makeweights & a rapper rather than a group, and he’s obviously a cocky arse whose ‘unique’ phrasing renders every song incomprehensible. Ms. Frank were handed their coats because Danyl is the marginally more talented, but after tonight no-one is safe and, at this rate, John & Edward will be in the final.

Oh, and Simon flagrantly bent the rules last night by making rock-vocalist Jamie change his ’Big Band’ song to U2′s ‘Angel of Harlem’. Talk about giving a boy a gimme.+++

+++UPDATE: 02.11.09: Rock Night is over and ‘Jedward’ (as everyone now knows them) escaped the bottom two again because everyone wants to see Simon eat a bullet when they win the whole sorry charade. Poor Rachel was shown the door despite giving the best vocal on the night and despite obliterating Lloyd the Warbling Horse in the sing off. I mean, the sing off has always been about judging the acts on their final performances hasn’t it? But now both Simon & Cheryl have made a mockery of it in consecutive weeks by ignoring the acts and forcing it back on the audience vote because they’re ’puzzled’ by the choice of bottom two. Forget the sodding audience and make your own decision, you so-called ‘judges’! Last night you chucked a fantastic performer out on her arse – a lady you’ve been lauding to the skies for weeks – and kept a pretty boy whose limited ability you’ve always doubted, just because you’re a bit ‘confused’ by how people are voting. If you don’t trust the audience, take the decision out of their hands. You have the power. You’ve never had any qualms about using it before. It’s time to grow back your balls, quit bickering and start pushing the right artists toward the light. Based purely on performance, out of all of them bar Jedward – who couldn’t even remember the words to We Will Rock You – I thought Stacey had the most epic ‘rock’ fail, while Jamie just reinforced his one-dimensionality, and Danyl sang in completely the wrong key for the first third of his wide-mouth-frog march through Aerosmith’s Armageddon weepie. I’m beginning to think our Head Chef is right. The most consistent performer seems to be Joe. For now, though, my money’s still on Lucie+++

+++UPDATE: 09.11.09: It was Movie Night and bye bye Lucie as Simon chose Jedward over her in the sing-off, even though she did a great Whitney and they just half-rapped there usual headless tuneless chicken schtick. See http://roomyverse.com/?p=8039 for a fuller picture of how much I hate Cowell for so blatantly choosing ratings over true talent. Simon wouldn’t have pulled that crap on Jamie or Olly, even though vocally neither are anywhere near Lucie’s league, so maybe Dannii’s right. Maybe Simon’s eliminating her threat, one girl at a time. Either way, he’s a mercenary arse and poor Lucie’s been unjustly scrapped just like Rachel before her.

No-one is safe now, and I’d still like Stacey to be in the final even though I’ve never seen her inhabit a song the way Lucie did on Big Band Night, and she can’t sing & dance simultaneously. My only real hope is that Joe will win it to deny Simon his smug victory despite his Machiavellian BS. The thought of Danyl winning it frankly turns my stomach, but then every second of Sunday’s sing-off charade turned my stomach and I am genuinely 50:50 as to whether I’ll watch it next week. Damn you Simon Cowell, damn you to HELL++++

+++UPDATE: 23.11.09: They’ve gone! Rikki, Rachel, Lucie, Jamie, and two groups have all fallen before them. In the end they were running on pure chutzpah. Odds are now on for a swift injection into the ‘I’m a Celebrity…’ jungle to maximise their slef-life and thus their income before Now Magazine dispatch them back into obscurity. They’re reign is over. At last. I feel like a Socialist Spaniard on the day Franco died. Viva La Revolution!+++